Explanations and Edits

I'm glad I was one of the first to have a workshop because now I have time to edit, and because I was able to spend some time not looking at the story so that now that I come back to it, I can see it with somewhat fresh eyes.

First, a few explanations.

Apologies for what seemed to be mistakes-- the accent on Cordoba was actually intentionally there at the beginning of the story and then taken away later as a part of her becoming more American, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise that Spanish place names are pronounced differently in English, but the intent was that she actually started thinking of them in an American light. Didn't work, though, so I'll change that. More apologies for tense shifts. They were gramatically correct because it bugs me to death when people use tenses incorrectly, but I understand it is confusing to discuss a flashback in the present tense (I can still remember...) so I am changing that. And sorry I forget to put periods on the ends of my paragraphs.

I was actually surprised that you guys saw Monica as disliking the USA-- I didn't mean for her to adore it the way she did when she first moved here, but I meant for her to accept it as a country with its eccentricities and faults, not some dream land that would solve all of her problems in Spain. You guys caught on to that, but I think I overdid it because I didn't really mean for her to dislike it and her comments about foods like ramen and twinkies were more of a play on college life than on the US in general. Something else that wasn't quite my intention was the flashbacks-- I didn't mean for them to be things the remembered in the moment when the story was taking place, or to symbolize an idea that Monica was constantly thinking back on Spain. She came to the US with no intention of turning back, and while she does come to grips with her past, she never decides to return and she doesn't think about it all too often. That was significant in the story in showing the reader where she was coming from, but it was not meant to be a memory in itself. I ought to put more emphasis on the present.

Also, not all the Americans are the same. They are all women because if I added a man then the reader might anticipate romance and I meant no such thing, and because Monica is more comfortable with women. However, Annette (her coworker, the one at the work party) is more educated than Deanna, the interior decorator friend, and Lisa, the neighbor. I have merged those two into Lisa and have deleted the entire scene with grocery shopping, which also means that Maggie, her college roomate, is gone. We'll see how I replace it. I'm also considering cutting the scene with Lourdes (in which we learn about Monica's father), but my initial intention with the story was to have some kind of back story with her dad (which I decreased significantly just in writing the first draft), so the scene needs to be replaced by something similar, but still probably rewritten. Also I like Lourdes, and I'm just the writer that Annie Dillard talks about in that I really don't like cutting things. And I need a scene that explains her dad (granted, I need a much better explanation than what I had), so I will find a new way to discuss Lourdes and tell some of her back story.

The deal with Mama--I did research dementia, and what I decided was that her mother developed Huntington's disease when Monica was fifteen and it turned into senile dementia by the time she was seventeen. This is where Deanna's comment about senile old ladies comes into play, because Mama is senile in the literal definition of the word. I realize I didn't clarify very well that Huntington's and dementia are different and set in at different points. What is also out of place is that we know Mama was twenty when Monica was born, making her only 35 when she became sick.

I'm having trouble editing, though, because commenters conflict.

• Julia loves that it has my voice, Shanyi and Alisia said my narrator should be more original.
• Caitlin said the gazpacho metaphor worked perfectly, Kevin said it didn't actually fit her life the way I meant it to.
• Ben says I need more Spanish, Julia and Richard say I have too much of it.
• Yanjin filled my page of description about gazpacho with comments on how she adored the description, Rick told me it was too long and tedious to read.
• Alisia and Kayla like my exclamations in describing vegetables for gazpacho, Erica and Andrea say they are unnecessary
• Peter likes how I introduce American characters, Alisia says they need to be introduced better
• Victor and Alex love my ending, David and Julia say it's too long and direct, Rick says it's too short